What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 06:36
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
When was the last time you had sex with someone much older than yourself?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where's the Civil War everyone on the left said would happen?
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What celebrity do you admire the most?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
I write beautiful poetry .
I couldn’t, believe it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did Chandrashekhar Azad say about Hinduism during a podcast?
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
What is the sluttiest thing your wife has ever done?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Is it true that most Indian men are gay and they just hide their feelings?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
What is something you saw while on an airplane that you couldn't believe?
What did i know ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What is your biggest mistake or regret?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When she asked me how she looked .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I don,t even have a pension.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We all went to grammer schools
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years